a new year, a new set of lists. i make resolutions not to be this, to try and improve that, to create this new mindset, and leave that one behind. whether or not i achieve them, i end up being a different person each year from particular experiences, new people, and just growing up. i loved who i was last year, and i know that God has so much in store for me this time around, i just need to live up to his dreams for me, which are so much INCREDIBLY more than my own, feeble, tame aspirations.
as far as schooling goes, i have less than 5 months left...forever. i still can't grasp what it means for me, not you, or a roommate, or a friend. i just want to make the most of EVERYTHING, and literally gather up the air and keep it in jars. 'this jar is from the last-first day of classes' and 'this one was from the first night i had the confidence i needed' and 'this one is from the day i realized i really don't know anything.' i actually do things like this, so don't be surprised if i have a collection going already...
i deleted my facebook a few days ago, and the weirdest sensations accompany leaving it behind in 2009. it got to be too much, and 'addiction' would be an appropriate noun to describe it for me. "the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming." i put too much of myself out for the world to see, and abuse, and do with as they please. am i living for them? should i be on a schedule for everyone else, always available, whenever they want me? am i exposing parts of me that were never meant to be shared? did i share too much of my favorite memories online, and become disappointed when others didn't find them that interesting? was i waiting on a few people, constantly throughout the years, saddened by them not talking to me, or disappointed when they weren't online? i just can't live like that. technology shouldn't haunt me like it does, and i shouldn't be so dependent on what it 'does' for me (like it ever did much). i can't say i feel the freedom like i want to, but its the first step in regaining myself.
lately. ugh. i was so tired of being seen as a plan b, and i realized i was not being respected. i just know who i am, and i know i have so much love to give. when my love is seen as an option, something to use whenever someone felt like it, and not tended to and returned, that was when i knew, after a long time hoping and waiting and thinking i must have been mistaken, that it was about time i took care of it myself, and not on the whim of some other person. my love is valuable.
well, i'm not dying, and i have a wonderful family, and a promising future. i have been blessed well beyond what i deserve. i don't want to use this blog as a way to blame people, or to put anything or anyone down, i just think that being able to vent and piece things together and type out what i have jumbled up and complicated in my mind can't be a bad thing.
to end things on a positive note, some of my favorite things!!! :
my perfect bed :)
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