measure your life in....love?

currently listening to: belated promise ring, iron & wine.

currently craving: being barefoot on a hot day.

currently, currently: debriefing.

as you can see, i gave up on blogging while living in new york. busy? yes. preoccupied with seeing each and every little tinsy thing i could? absolutely. forgot that i even made a blog? quite possibly. no excuses! VIVA LA BLOG

• one great thing about blogging, you get more room than a status update, you don't quite have the same fear of each person you know reading it, and you get to create for yourself a completely custom-made world, all by yourself. even now, i can use this one laptop to talk to any person in the world with internet access, provided they end up here. how divine.
• there are so many things i want to say, and the thing is, i just want to be heard. it doesn't necessarily matter to me who hears it, i just have this unquenchable desire to speak what is on my heart, and voila, the internet.
• my lip ring may have to come out. everyone gets on me about it, they ask me why i didn't do it sooner, they ask how does that not hurt, they get disgusted when i show them, i laugh internally and enjoy their faces. now, it hurts, and it will undoubtedly leave a gaping hole in my face. hooray!
• i can not seem to latch on to this whole college experience, and alas, i only have one semester left. i feel like i never got it just right; friends, classes, working, boys, health, sleeping, scheduling, volunteering. i feel.....off. the only cure i can seem to find, isn't a cure. i doubt there really is one. it seems to me that everyone else seems to have it right, while i go on about my day, with a semi-smile and a hope of finding my small second of solace though out my ordinary routine, that i attempt to make extra-ordinary. i desperately want to make the most of everything. touching the walls, breathing in the musty air, visiting every unexplored hallway and stairwell, finding new ways back to my room, wandering through the small patches of forest and seeing what tiny treasures i find. and yet...i can not wait to leave this whole joke of a lifestyle behind...way behind me. but will it fix anything?
• there is a baby upstairs. my little doll of a niece, screaming for the last 3 hours. how do parents do it. it is times like these where i am extremely happy i am not married and/or with child/with children. i love her with all of my heart---today i taught her to say "isss" which means, of course, kristi. kr'isss'ti. she even walked a few steps to me. its incredible how you can make a bond with such a tiny creature, who doesn't even know how much you are already planning on being a part of her future. already planning where i want to take her on her first roadtrip, after i rescue her from her first heartbreak. what types of happy songs we'll sing in that car ride. i love her, as well as the tiny embryo of a baby that is growing in her mommy's tummy.
• my heart...right now. i paused to think what it really feels, and i decided that for once, i do not think i know. hah, a blogger writing about love, cliche? necessary. i want to want, but i want to run away. i want to have, but can't possibly imagine keeping. i ache, and i ache to shake it off. someone pour me a fancy drink and listen to the soundtrack of rent with me, eh?
• seriously though, "measure in, love." how profound! in midnights, in sunsets, in cups of coffee, how do you measure a year in the life? i stopped to make a list today, a list measuring this year. how does one measure a year? i am being redundant, i apologize. but try it, what categories would you create? i have so many, and it is the only way i can seem to create any sort of a bond, a connection with each of those moments where i was just hurrying to get to the next moment. bonds. connections. i hurt with them. i cry for them. i live for them.

i can not sleep at night anymore. have you ever felt too tired to sleep? a strange concoction of emotions and lists, thoughts and silent prayers, hopes that are just ever so slightly out of my reach, and a curiosity of the unknown that i long to explore. someone, anywhere....sing me a lullaby?